It's been on my mind to write about this for a while. God has been building me up and tonight I find the strength to talk about it.
When 2012 started I had my future mapped out. Life was good and there was peace surrounding me. I was living out my life just the way I always wanted to. You never think that something is going to change. But it did.
I had just talked to her; my mom. She said that she didn't feel good. I didn't think anything about it. I told her just to get some rest and she'll feel better tomorrow. A couple days later I got the news that my mom had been admitted to the hospital. Once again, I didn't really think anything about it. My mom had a lot of health issues and being in the hospital was just a part of the process. Then, I remember one day my sister wrote me and said, "I think you need to come see mom." Immediately I felt fear cover me. "Why?" "Is it really bad?" "What's going on?" I was worried. People around me were telling me, "Don't worry so much. It's going to be okay." But no matter what they told me, I couldn't be settled. A few days later I was flying out to the states. I arrived in Nashville and the next day we were driving out to Kansas to go see my mom. I had 8 hours to think about what was waiting for me. I was not excited. I was not looking forward to it. We finally get to Kansas, then to the hospital and I knew the time was getting closer. We get on the elevator, get off on the 6th floor, enter unit 63, and turn right. My life went into slow motion as I walked towards her room. I enter and what I saw was worse than anything I could have imagined. My mom was on the ventilator, sedated, surrounded by machines. She eventually came to and I couldn't talk to her. I couldn't get close because I was so scared. If I opened my mouth I knew I was going to cry. Right before we left my mom uttered words that I'll never forget. She said, "Don't leave me."
That night when we got back to the hotel I could not hold it in anymore. I needed to be alone. I went into the bathroom, turned on the shower, and cried. My heart was broken. We lived in hotels and the hospital for the next 3 weeks. I was so sure that my mom was going to get better. I had so much faith that God was going to heal my mom. There was nothing else I could do. I couldn't believe that the worst would come. It's my mom. I couldn't give up.
My birthday came...and it went just the same. The next day we went to the hospital and we sat down with the doctors for the 3rd time and they gave negative reports. We got to the point where they mentioned taking my mom off the machine. We all knew what that meant. I remember praying and yelling at God. I was angry. "WHY?" "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?" "WHERE ARE YOU?" "WHY AREN'T YOU DOING ANYTHING?" And He came to me as peaceful as ever and said, "She's free." Throughout her time in the hospital my prayer was that she'd be free. I didn't just want her to be free of sickness, but also free of depression, free from medications, free from the worry and guilt that this world throws on us. And God came to me and let me know that although it wasn't His plan for it to happen this way, she would be free.
My mom passed away the day after my birthday. I couldn't believe it and I still can't. My mom was the sweetest, most caring, most forgiving person you'd ever meet. She never looked out for herself because she always wanted to make everyone else happy. My mom was my best friend. I could talk to her about anything and everything. And I loved telling her about my life. She was my biggest fan. She supported every idea I had. Every dream I spoke she told me to go for it. She always told me go after what I wanted fearlessly.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. God has been there for me every single step of the way. He's never left me. He's always been there. Going through this has made me understand a little bit more about how much Jesus loves us. We've heard it before, we hear it all the time. "Jesus loves you." "He died for you." Yeah. We know it. No. We hear it. But we don't really know. We don't understand the depth of that kind of love. Going through this and seeing my mom like that has opened my eyes and softened my heart. I wished that I was capable of taking the pain away from my mom. I loved her so much that I wanted to take it on myself so that she wouldn't have to suffer. That's exactly what Jesus did for us. He was driven by love. He loved us so much that He took everything that we would go through, and He put it on Himself. He died in our place. Don't you understand that we deserved to die? Jesus took our punishment so that we didn't have to. And now because He did that, we are free. And we don't have to suffer.
I understand a little bit better of the love that God has for us. And let me tell you, it's..it can't be described. I have no word big enough to sufficiently tell you what it's like. It can't be fathomed with the mind. It can just be felt with the heart.
God loves you.
Just like I love my mom.
But He loves you even more.
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